Blackout.

I wish I knew how to keep a conversation going.
I wish I knew everything about you.
I wish I could be perfect.
I wish I had a normal, happy family.
I wish I could keep you happy.
I wish I could always have a smile on.
I wish I could change my past.
I wish I could make you see that you're not pathetic.
I wish I could always be with you.


The list goes on. Those were just on the top of my head. I just want to be perfect, for you.

A British surprise in the countryside.

The sun beams down on the trail. You're walking along taking pictures of the beautiful English countryside. You're parents finally let you go to England to study. Something they swore that they'd never let you do. But, you. You're there. Roaming around an open field.

A breeze brushes over the grass. Your dress sways slightly. You grab your hat, thinking it'll fly away. You lay down in the middle of the field. The clouds seem closer here. Bigger, fluffier. The kind you imagined laying in when you were little. You take a deep breath. You wish you had a lover. Someone that'd tell you a story while you laid in the grass. You sigh and sit up. You look behind you. A storms coming in. And fast.

You're walking back to your car when you see an abandoned house. The kind you would imagine in a fairytale. A wooden fence wraps around the house, and flowers are everywhere. Ivy climes up the side of the house, up to the second floor. The home is made of red brick, and the windows white. You smile. The house, it's so... quaint. You walk through the gate, a little bell dings. You decide that you'll stay here till the storm passes.

Once inside, you notice that the house is well, full of furniture, you set your bag on a table. Should you leave? Someone must live here. But, the house, it seems empty. You decide to stay. You walk to the back of the house, a little library meets you, a big empty chair begging for you to sit in it. You look through the books, you see one of your favorites, Pride and Prejudice. You start reading it and walk over to the chair. You sit and read for hours.

The door squeaks open. Somebody did live here. You hide behind the door. Wait, if you hide won't that seem suspicious. But, what if they get mad that you're in there house! You decide to walk toward the door and make a run for it. Right as you get to the door, that's when you see him. He's standing in the kitchen, his dark hair wet from the rain. You stare. Forgetting about leaving. He smiles at you, and walks forward. You told him about the reason you were in his house. He tells you it isn't his, and that it's his grandmothers, and after she'd passed, he moved in. You talk for hours, you drink coffee. He tells you his name, William. He said it so perfectly, his British accent made it sound like honey. You snap out of it. You're not staying here. You can't fall in love. You thank him and make your way outside. He stops you. And stares into your eyes. You're half way out the door. He smiles and asks when he'll see you again, you tell him that you won't see him again. His smile disappears. But, only for a second. He grabs you by the waist and pulls you close. And whispers in your ear, "Remember me with this, then." He gives you the lightest, most delicate kiss. You know that you will. Always.

You scream. You run.

Your feet crunch down on the leaves as you run into the darkness of the forest. Your breathing ragged, tears streaming down your face. You keep replying the memory in your mind. Your car had broken down on the empty highway, you went to look at the engine, and you look up, a dark, tall figure stands in the middle of the road. Only a few feet away from you. Their head tilted slightly to the side. They start running toward you. You scream. You run.

Now you're running through the blackness of the forest, your only light is the moon above you. Are they still chasing you? Is this only a dream? Why are they chasing you? Exactly what is it that's chasing you? You stop thinking. The only thing that matters is surviving. You're a tough girl. You can handle this. You swing to your left, you see a place to hide. You crouch down under the brush. Your eyes widen. He's here.

He walks in front of you. His boots crushing into the fallen twigs. You hold your breath. He's going to kill you. You can tell. You let your tears flow. But you don't make a sound. He walks off. You let out your breath. But you don't dare to move. He could come back. But, he's gone now. You start thinking of the idea of running back to your car and calling someone on your phone. You can still see the highway from here. You get up. You run faster then before.

You smile. You can see your car. Sanctuary. That's when you see him. He's been running beside you this whole time. You didn't notice. He tackles you to the ground and pins you. You scream. An earsplitting yelp. Why is this happening to you! You send out a silent prayer. You know it will be your last. He smiles over you. He's enjoying this. You spit at his face and cuss at him. He laughs. His laugh is full of hate and darkness. He pulls out the knife. Your life flashes before your eyes. You scream. He plunges forward. A white light becomes the only thing you see.

You jerk your eyes open. You're crying, screaming. You look around. You're in your room. It was all a dream, silly thing! You let your breath out, and stop clutching the covers. You turn to your right. But wait, what's that? The window is open? But, you shut it last night, right? You go closer, you look outside. You see on the edge of the forest, a dark tall figure. He waves a knife in the air, and turns around and walks into the darkness. You scream.

Bliss and Beauty

The olden days. Old times. The Victorian era. Early 1900's. You can call it whatever you want, but it's an incredible era, and also my favorite.

You were born into the world of bliss and beauty. You'd grow up in an simple house, with secret doors and libraries. You wouldn't be a single child. Your older brother would chase you around your front lawn, while your mother and father drank lemonade on the front porch holding hands.
You would wear dresses with ruffles and bows, and stockings. But, secretly you'd take a pair of your brothers pants and wear them and act like a man in front of your mirror. Your mother would teach you how to be a lady, by sitting up straight, talking in complete sentences, learning to play piano, and looking people in the eye. You'd slouch and nod while she did this.

You'd be a simple beauty. Natural. No make up. Long curls that went down past your chest. With lips as red as cherries. Your father, a wise and wealthy man would see that you're a beauty and find a family for you to marry into. Little did he know you had fallen in love with the boy next door. You would sneak out at night with him and listen to him tell you stories of the places he's traveled. France, Spain, England. You would fall asleep in his arms, only to be woken by your father yelling at you about how you were foolish. You never saw your first love again.

Years passed and you were a mother of 3. Two girls and one boy. Your husband a wealthy banker. He didn't love you, and you didn't him. You went along with the fake romance to please your family. You'd spend your nights on your balcony thinking of what it could have been like, being in love, happy, in a home far away, by the ocean. You'd practically smell the salty air and feel the sand in your toes when your little girl tugged your dress. You picked her up, realizing that your children are the main purpose of your life, your only happiness. You'd tuck them in.

The children grew up and generations passed. It's now 2010. And the world is a terrible place. War, sex, drugs, alcohol, and abuse.
No sign of a simple life an outsider would think. But, you can find one. Just block out the bad. Find the good. Someone to love, friends to adore, a family that will care. Find that and you'll be in the simple life of bliss and beauty.

I could be perfect for you.

I swear to God.
It's like you're the only person that gets me.

The sweet angelic little girl, and the caring single dad

Today, I was on a flight home to Tulsa. I was trying to find an empty spot when I saw a dad and his daughter. She was sitting next to the window, She had long brown hair for her age. And a smile to die for. She was coloring in a Princess book. Her father, had short blond hair, with glasses. He watched over her with his arm around her. I wanted to take my camera out and get a picture of them. They were so, content. I got closer to the seat, I was guessing that the mom was in the bathroom or something. There were not a lot of seats left so I thought I'd ask just in case.

"Excuse me, Sir? Is that seat taken?"
"No, no! Ha, sit down."

I took my seat and started to text. I said goodbye and put my phone up. I looked over to my left, and I noticed that the little girl was peeking at me. I smiled at her.

"Hi, I'm Tiffany," I said openly. "What's your name?"
"I'm Victoria." She said giggling.
A few minutes past and I heard her talking to her dad,
"Daddy, Look at her. She's so pretty! Do you think she'll be my friend?"
I smiled slightly. And looked over at them. I was going to say something, but that's when I noticed. The father didn't have a wedding ring on. I blinked. My gaze only lasted a second. I talked to Victoria until I fell asleep.

I woke up to see her father covering her up with a blanket and gently moving a piece of hair out of her face. He whispered "I love you, Angel." At that moment I knew that Victoria was going to have the best father in the world. He cared about her more then himself. A simple moment had shown it. Victoria will grow up and she'll grow apart from him and want to be with her friends, and with boys. She'll start to wear makeup. She'll lock her door. And not talk to him, or yell at him. But, the Father will just always love her, no matter what. It was so touching. I turned to my side away from them and went back to sleep. Wishing I could have had that. I let a small tear escape. But wiped it away. No time for that. The next time I woke they were watching Nemo. The dad asked me to join them, I did. He treated me like his own. He made sure I wasn't cold, or if I needed a blanket, or a snack. He cared for me, a complete stranger, like I was his own.

I got off the plane, I was to busy texting as soon as we landed that I didn't thank him, or say bye to Victoria. And it kills me when I think that I should have. But, I'll always remember them, The sweet angelic little girl, and the caring single dad.

Lights on the Bay flicker and shine.

My sister pulled up to her parking spot that over looked the city. I took a swift move out of the car and was on my way down the stairs to her house. But, something caught my eye. In the past week I haven't really noticed the view she has until tonight.

My eyes widened. The twinkling lights danced on the bay. I could see the fog in the city. A breeze rushed by me and made me shiver. I pulled my jacket closer to me. I couldn't take my eyes of the city. All the color, the beauty, the sounds, everything rushed into me in that one moment. I closed my eyes. I realized right there at that second that this is where I am meant to be. I realized that there are people in that city right now that are going to be with me for the rest of my life, people that will be my best friends. The person I could marry might be there. Is he thinking of me like I do him? My future job, house, everything is in this city. All of these thoughts rushing in my mind like rush hour.

I opened my eyes. It had only been a second. My sister had not noticed that I completely fell in love, and found my home in under 2 and a half seconds. I walked behind her down the steps. Looking at my future city that danced on the bay reflecting back at me. I sighed.

San Francisco. You're a wonder in my eyes and you always will be.

That White Picket Fence

I've always had a dream of living in one house for my whole life. But, I've moved so many times in my life, It was never a possibility. But, this is what I'd want my children to have.

The same state, same city, everyone knows everyone. The house you could have those memories when you were young, like, the time you carved your height into the side of the coat closet. And measured how much you grew, or playing outside all day in your tree house that you and your dad made together. And those Christmas's... I bet they would be glorious, always having the slight memory of running down the stairs in the morning, and you'd see your presents, you would jump around and keep saying "thank you, Santa!"

Or, what about when you became a teenager, when your parents let you finally go out on a date with a boy, and he'd walk you up to your front porch, and lightly kiss your lips, a slight tender first kiss, and he'd ask you to be his girl. Or, when he texted you telling you to look out your window and he had a rope ladder to help you sneak out so you could go on a midnight walk, hand and hand, so perfectly in love. Thinking this is the guy I want to be with for the rest of my life. Or, sitting on the tire swing staring at the white picket fence you watched your parents make back when you were seven, you would sit there swinging, trying to forget your first breakup, and wipe the tears away, only to think of the times you've had with your ex-lover, and end up crying again.

And, what about when you were about to move out, and go start your life? You would pack all your things, remembering every faint scent, laugh, touch, and memory you had in your room. All the different colors of paint that had been on the walls, the different decorations, changing from Barbies and baby dolls to makeup and perfume. The time you wrote your name in your closet with a marker when you were five. You would gather everything and take one last painful look back at your room, you would slide down the banister one last time, run to your Dad and hug his neck, and kiss your Mom, you went out to your car, and started it up, backed out of the drive, waving at your family. You'd smile but secretly you'd be crying inside, you wanted to stay in that little house with the white picket fence. Forever and always.

Sky High Standard

Last night, I had one of the most amazing/weirdest/beautiful dreams I've had in a long time.

I woke up in my dream, I opened my eyes to see straight forward, looking out my window. Usually, I would see a giant tree, and the street. In this dream I saw an endless blue sky dotted lightly with puffy clouds. You know, the clouds you think you could lay in? Those kinds. I walked over to the window, and looked out, I was on the highest floor of a house, thousands of feet in the air. The room vanished and I was standing in thin air. I walked forward. Every step I took was a different note, (Music note.), I spun around, and Closed my eyes. I opened them to see that I was in the middle of a thunderstorm. The lightning struck, a blinding flash. I woke up from my dream. Only, to hear my iPod lightly playing the song "Thunder" By Boys Like Girls. And It was on the verse, "So, bring on the rain, and bring on the thunder." <3 Amazing how dreams are sometimes.

You could be my unintended.

Ask me already. I know you're reading this, ask me. I want to know. More than anything at the moment. :)
Thanks.

I'm a Wreck, and I Know it.

I should not care so flipping much about this. But, I do.

It's the same thing over and over again.

Love & Hate. Love & Hate. Love & hate .....

And it kills me.

God.

Have You Got it in You?

Pardon me for my lack of excitement.
But I'm not entirely thrilled.

St-St-Stutter when I talk.
Flail around as I walk.

Yeah the moments been killed.
And I'm not good at this no, not all.

I'm not good at this.